Vaginal Execution

Amy Winehouse

Found dead in bed, deadddddd. She never figured to go this way, but then again when you are thirty-three, a person gives little thought to an exit play. Especially her, blonde and titted, hell... especially her. When she walked into a room every guy would set himself on fire. And some of the girls, too! What could she do, she always had it. Things always went her way.

Manny Kihn, her horticulturist found her. It was eleven on a Monday morning. Surprised he was to see her torso up-push the sheets in the master bedroom. Normally she was long gone by the time the spritzing began. At first, he thought it was just a pillow in the sheets. In fact, finding the bed and linens askew was more the normal than the unusual. May liked to play hard. Hardddddd.

But no. She looked as peaceful as a lamb. No marks or scratches. It was only when he tried to awaken her did he see a spot of red down there. Odd, he thought, maybe it was her menses. The tapioca man hadn't yet deduced she was already getting stiff. Once her lack of responsiveness became too compelling to ignore, he did call 9-1-1.

My boss, she's hurt. I think she fell out.


Is she breathing?


Yes (she was not.)


Is she talking?


No, but my English is hard to understand.


What does that have to do with it?


Yes, uh no, er, I don't know.

The dispatcher, one Cindy Eliason, had no idea the dead woman was May June Monday. A small world, indeed, Cindy and May June knew each other years ago when they were the peaches and cream of Holy Spirit's championship field hockey team. That was a long time ago, but those glory days last a lifetime.

OK Jimenez, I'll send out a black and white. (Curiously, Papperwood City patrol cars are painted dark blue and Jimenez is not a nick-name for Emanuel.)

Oh-oh, she just moved.... (a green thumb is not always synapsed to sapiency.)

Manny Jimenez dropped the phone. He went to her with a wet wash cloth. Once he saw a re-run of Marcus Welby MD. In it, James Brolin, who played a junior medico to the legendary MW, cold compressed an attractive young girl after she fainted. Kihn was hopping the cloth would have the same effect on May June as it did on Shelby Southerwaite. As he applied the terry rag to the dead woman's forehead, memories of Consuela filled his head. Chubby-chubby right there at a dead woman's bedside, thinking of Welby's right hand always swelled him.

In just a matter of a short time two green officers arrived. Neither had ever investigated a murder scene, so May June supplied a double cherry busting for these uniforms. She would have liked that... No forced entry, nothing missing, seven hundred in her bra drawer-untouched. Other facts....

• husband Bobby Babalouie Breastly had gone to work at 5:30 AM, he says she was sleeping with a pillow on her head when he left
• she was a popular woman, lots of friends and a daughter by another man
• generous with her time, she volunteered at the Papperwood Food Bank (not that anyone was much hungry in that rich community)
• no known enemies or frenemies or haters

When the coroner's men came for the body it become evident that there was a large amount of blood on the sheets beneath her. Up until that time neither the officers nor the plant-man noticed that much run-out.. Rookies... Papperwood had what might be considered a designer police department. Big on uniforms with blue coats and a lot less on law enforcement perspicacity. In truth, Uniform Uno and Uniform Due had early on concluded that the rich bitch died of a drug overdose. Wizards...

At about the time the bleed out became evident, Bobby arrived on the scene. He appeared to be in shock. Not that there was any wailing, but the Breastly clan came from the Netherlands and people from there don't wail. The thing that the rube cops did notice was Bobby's shortness. Maybe 5-2, he had the limbs of a baby. Short everything. Everything...

Now cops are guys. The obvious question upon seeing Bobby and May June together was how Bobby could ever bang May June to satisfaction? Firework her? His vertical fail coupled with the possibility of a homicide with the discovery of blood started the speculation. Of course, if MJ were dead viv-vis a
murder, the #1 suspect would be Bobby. It's always the spouse in a slay until proven otherwise.

By late in the afternoon the preliminary autopsy results came in from downtown. Not that Papperwood had a downtown! But when Dr. Cazzo phoned into the station, Cindy yelled out to Uno that the coroner from downtown was on line three. Under usual circumstances, Detective Seiler Slabodnik would have taken over this case, but he had to emergency trip out to Utah. His mother Glabra had taken a broken hip fall and she needed to be shelved and set up for her final slide. Hence Uno and Due were in charge. Uffa... 

Ten? Ten! Shit.

mumble, mumble

..blew out her orto... arta...aorth... oh, aorta...

mumble, mumble

stuck the muzzle right in, how deep?

mumble, mumble

I don't know... ya' think like six inches?

mumble, mumble

ok, need the toxo right away, me and Ken think she od'd...

mumble

May June died from exsanguination. When Cazzo split her belly, about nine liters of blood gushed out, like so much pressurized well water. The uterus and vagina were ripped raw meat. Ten 9 mm slugs can wreak havoc in a lady's sweet parts. The aortic wall was gone as well, causing a blood letting befitting a slaughter house.

May June Monday Breastly had friends, some intimate. yeah. Whether Bobby knew about her special releasers is yet unknown. Once the word was out that May was killed by vaginal execution, the neurologist hired a mouthpiece. Some folks took that as an admission of guilt. In reality, it was smart move. Cops need pelts in murder cases and when one isn't ready to go, well, there is always the spouse.

It's been five weeks. Slabodnik is back. Glabra didn't die, so she is now living with him and his wife, Clipera Glonte Slabodnik. The car ride back from Utah was not to believed. Si had to trade the Cruze in because the smell of feces can never be totally eradicated from the interior of a motor car. Depends are mis-named. It's summer and when a car heats up, well, the smell. Even though the detective has taken over, the case remains stalled. Bobby was alibied up the wazzoo and his lawyer had him stifled. If only the name Stan Jasper had been uncovered, but...

Jasper, who aliased as Lem Lutz, met May June at the food take in center about six months before he killed her. Their affair was motel, afternoon, once a week and shallow. Well, not that the nine inches of foreskinned majesty could be called shallow, but the rest of whatever went on between them was seemingly surface and service. For her, it was recreational sex with a stiff, mushroom headed - man attached dildo. For him, it was love. Who would have guessed that? He was an accountant! A jealous one...

That morning, after Bobby hit the bricks, Stan came over for a surprise visit. Delighted to see him, but wary, she gave it up for three. Never before had she been consistently poly-orgasmic, musta been the niner... Jasper was agitated even after splooging her good. Saying crazy things like, I love you, We're soul mates and I can't live without you, May June realized that her dildo was insane.

Despite her best efforts of letting him down gently, she picked the wrong time to end IT. Oh boy did he get pissed. Jumping out of the bed, he went over to his banded slacks. Who knew the pockets were big enough to conceal a Glock. One thing led to another and then to another. With the barrel in her vajayjay, Lem let loose. She thought he was just fooling around. Funny thing, the pussy is as good as a silencer. The third round killed her, but he had ten to give so ten it was. Ten... The neighbors head no firearm reports.

Maybe Lem Lutz had it all planned? There were no records, no texts, sexts and no writings. The motels were cash affairs and they were so seedy they didn't have cameras, computers or legitimate sign in ledgers. So many Smiths, Patels and Browns...

May June's toxicology will be negative. Her vagina will evidence sperm, two types... Hmmm. Will Dr. Cazzo be that good to run the DNA's? The budget in Papperwood is getting tight. But if the DNA's are ever analyzed and sent out for match, the pathologist is going to be surprised to learn that there is a bazinga with a homicide in Arizona. That woman's name was Hendie Thomas. She died of vaginal execution, too!

Che cazzo

(What the fuck)

Amy Winehouse was found dead in bed from an overdose of alcohol and other stuff...