Packin' in Aurora CO

Now the issue of packin' has come to the front of the line, again. Every time a gun violent act suffuses the news like a San Francisco fog, the right, er, the need to pack sweeps over America. As well it should. Billy Britt is going to lay it out, straight, People need to pack!

No not kids, say less than 16 or maybe 18. After all, some level of maturity needs to be achieved before a person can pack with any expectation of responsibility. OK, says Britt, 14 in cities with populations of over 250,000. Billy intuits that kids are more street smart in bigger cities and arguendo know more about packin', one way or the other. He has a point...

Sure, some would argue that no one should pack. Ah, pie in the sky always offers a treacle tongue. But there is absolutely no chance that there will ever be no packin' in America. Ha! Ever hear of the Second Amendment, fool? Packin' is as USA as the damn pie.

Brittie has concluded that as long as there is an America people will pack. To complicate matters, often the people least capable of responsible packin' pack. More or less, the folks who shouldn't pack are much more likely to be packin' than the good people of the world. Which, of course, renders the possibility for harm to the good by the less good likely.

So in an effort to level the playing field, Billy Britt of Malaga NJ has a few bullet points of thought:

• like police, all citizens should be holstered and armed
• lightweight Glocks are nice
• unlike police, citizens must always be on duty and packin'
• civil and criminal disagreements settled by mutual gunfire or anticipated mutual gunfire are punishable by fines not to exceed $100
• unilateral and/or unprovoked use of a firearm leading to physical harm may incur a criminal sentence (depending on the state laws)
• all citizens are required to take target practice monthly
• for nursing home residents and other invalids such practices may been held on site and from the bed
• assault rifles are not for regular citizen use unless a permit is acquired (Billy knows permits are currently a joke and will remain so, but he is throwing this in to calm the gun haters)
• citizens cannot fire their pistols into the air for fear of hitting innocents when the bullets return to Earth
• any gun play out of auto windows must be sanctioned by the American Rodeo Association; guns and cars are not generally a good mix, hence some special regs are needed...

Billy has more bullets, but he has a limited attention span. He has ADHD and he is out of Adderall. Unfortunately, his doctor, V. Cyril Lipscomb, was shot and killed two days ago by another ADHD patient. The slayer, Roswell Pinker, was overdosed on Adderall. During his office visit to discuss his excitability, he thought Dr. Lipscomb was going for his (the doctor's) firearm as the medico was reaching for his (the doctor's) crotch to see if he zippered up after # 1ing. Pink, jacked as he was, pulled out his gat and took Vincent out with a head shot.

Consequently, Billy cannot get a ready refill without V. Cyril. Oh, Pinker will be fined $100. True, the Doc never pulled out his gun, but Pinks erratic behavior will be deemed the fault of the over prescribing doctor. (Dr. Lipscomb was 65 and "thinnable", making his death less of a societal loss.) In a packin' society, hand moves to the belt line and the nether regions need to to be taken with due circumspection.

Just imagine, Billy opines to a guy standing in front of him in a Dunkin' Donuts coffee queu. ... if everybody in that movie house in Colorado was packin'... Yeah as soon as that jerk-off James Holmes did his shit with the gas cannister, all three hundred people would have unloaded their vigs right at him. Body armor or not, he woulda been Swissed. Dead Swissed. Woulda served him right!

Fred Griskas, the guy in front of Billy, got nervous. Hearing this kind of talk before his morning Joe was more than he could handle. Fred had his first homosexual experience a few nights back and he was in turmoil. Feeling another guy's pee-pee explode still was making his right hand tingle. To feel another person orgasm, be they the same or the opposite sex, is one of life's unique experiences. Yet, Fred was guilt ridden and jumpy. Billy's wacky talk forced him to reflexly extend his still unwashed hand towards his firearm. Bad move!

John Holmes was packin' too

Without Grisky actually reaching the handle of his weapon, Billy short circuited. Fred looked like an untrustworthy Arab to Billy. Being already suspicious and under medicated, Fred's move was enough for double B to de-holster his .357 and unload six quick blasts into the faux Middle Easterner's kidneys. The charges shred him like sandwich lettuce. Worse yet, three of the missiles hit the widow Pentermeister after leaving Fred. She was in line ahead of the oiler to buy donut holes for her dog, Chooch. Lucky for Chooch, Sarah lived on with her permanent colostomy. For the widow Griskas, it was a bad day, but at least she will never learn that Fred liked guys.

The double D cameras will clearly show Fred going for his weapon. Going for the weapon will be deemed the same as an attempted grievous use and hence the pharmaceutically out-of-balance Billy will be fined the only civil maximum of $100 (it would be less if Fred had not died.)

Just imagine if Billy hadn't been packin'? Just imagine if Fred hadn't been packin'? Just imagine if Sarah were sharp enough to have unloaded her weapon into Billy? into Fred? And into all of the donuts on all of the racks behind the counter? Swiss donuts?

Just imagine if everyone in that Century 16 movie house in Aurora CO was packin'? They would have leveled James Holmes before he killed 12 people and wounded 58 more... Sure, he may have gotten a few rounds off, but he would have been stopped dead by the good people of the world before things got completely out of hand... Indeed!

keep packin'

Joker James Holmes