Saturday, February 4, 2012

Timlin Jan-tweets = Hilarious Wise-dom

I feel like my entire life I've been waiting for a boy to text me.

Tattoos are really everything.

Kate walsh is like, really hot.

I just want a 3 second snapshot of my future self so I can figure out whether or not I should cry myself to sleep tonight.

I need to eternal sunshine of the spotless mind this shit.

What compelled me to eat tortilla chips for breakfast is clearly a deeply rooted disdain for my digestive system.

I really don't understand a beverage without a straw.

I really need to get myself some pumped up kicks!

Wait, are they called hogs because of the noise they make? Am I really just figuring this out? Not clear on a motorcycle.

Can mexican food be off the menu for a little while?

Oh my gosh santa barbara you're so cute.

I don't want your number baby I want you to wonder.

"Addison, who are you running from!?"- to me driving.

I dare you to let me be you're one and only.

Attention to detail baby. Attention to detail.

There's not much more I dislike than being in a tiny dress I've ate too much to be in.

For the millionth time. Fuck it before it fucks you.

Sorry I am NOT sorry.

A matter of inches makes all the difference... So is life!

I am painfully available.

Its fine. Its fine. I have a valentine.

Please knock before entering, I'm going through a very transitional time.

I am constantly perplexed by why more people aren't totally impressed that I know how to drive...

At this point my car is just a really expensive ashtray.

Let me tell you the good thing about celibacy, oh wait, there is NOTHING good about celibacy.

There is a much better use of my time than reading my old text messages. And one of these days I'm gonna figure out what.

Why kardashians? Why?

Heads up gentlemen; a turtleneck can only do good things for you.

anamoly is my favorite word today.

The best metaphor to life is honest to god, frosted mini wheats.

I just found a bag of hot tamales in my purse and now I know there is a god.

That moment when kate winslet steps out of the car in titanic with the hat, is THE defining moment of my life.

I had a vitamin lodged in my throat so to push it down I took 4 more vitamins, because I'm a grown ass adult. Duh.

If you're angry, get angrier, then calm down sooner.

Just once I'd like to show up to an audition and see snooki.

There comes a time in everyones lives, where you have absolutely no other choice than to do your laundry.

Being a thug hasn't never been this easy...

I'm becoming very dependent on my daily horoscope.

If google didn't exist, I'm certain I'd be in a much healthier place.

I feel like as long as you have a designated driver, you should be able to drink at the age of 12.

Red! I want everything red.

'we're ordering pizza, would you be interes.." " PEPPERONI!!!!!, YES"

My hair looks spectacular and I have no one to show it off to.

all of my breakups result in a tattoo but this ones really starting to feel like a peircing!

I didn't pull her hair so obviously I'm a grown up.

What's the opposite of off limits?

I've scrolled through the contacts in my phone at least 6 times today

Residuals checks are essentially food stamps for actors.

"Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies"- that song I just heard in the bathroom but also me to everyone I've ever dated.

Can't we just get rid of pennies already?

Girls are so cute sometimes.

Just bury me in bronzer and jellybeans.

I love crayons at a grown up dinner table.

How do you intend to use your tan? For good or evil?

I had a peanut butter cup for breakfast that had 5 grams of protein and triple the amount of hating myself.

i can shower, i will shower, i have a life.

If you have a black vespa, you can fool me for a second, but then ill realize that you're actually a pussy.

I 'soccer mom' my purse in the passenger seat really often, so, obviously I'm gonna be a really good mother.

Being an actress is hard. We're always hungry and emotional.

My car is so shiny, so that's really what's up.

I don't think I ever feel sexier than I do when I'm parking my vehicle.

My goal in life is to have every variety of cheerios in my house at all times.

Everytime I see a black prius I am paralyzed by the fear that it contains one of my ex boyfriends. So that's why you can't walk in LA.

Sometimes I feel like getting your hair done is paying someone to listen to your break up story and tell you that you look fierce.

Instead of wearing uggs, just put a sign on your forehead that says "I give up"

Just as I suspected, everyone still sucks.

Grapefruits have a lot of staying power.

I figure, dying alone, is not an option.

When you know your friends will be at your funeral, you're in good standing.

Can you overdose on vitamin C?

I feel like the facebook poke I just got is the closest ill come to intimacy for a very long time.

Oh fuck.

If anything, I'm a homie for sure.

The holes in my shirt are from bites. What about that?

Be thank for the times, the people, the moments that light your fire, and don't put it out.

You know what a 'clear all history' says to me?; I'm fucking someone else.

Is it just me or does a vodka soda taste really healthy?

I don't know how else to say a tiny bit of milk.

There's nothing a little tan can't fix.

"I'm on facebook at 4 in the morning, I'm not here to chat, obviously I'm here to stalk"

Self destruction should really be on my resume.

I don't wanna be crazy alone, I wanna be crazy together.

"Don't wash your face. Cry your make up off. " -my brain.

I've worn this outfit four times this week. What about it?

Something about bare feet really makes me feel like a princess.

If I remain completely still and cry its almost like I don't even have to pee at all.

Not to be a dick but florida is pretty bleak.

In the "similar to you" section, I'm no longer alongside porn stars, #2012

Mcdonalds chicken looks exactly like regular chicken. Happy new year!

"Who needs blush when you have slap for slap??!!"

Oh wait!!! Also, I wanna stop biting my nails when I'm nervous.

New years resolutions? Mine are. Be more of an asshole, less of a bitch, look heroin chic, and chill out on the dairy.

Happy new year to you tweethearts. In lieu of my friends who can't be bothered, your wishes are keeping a suicide pact with strangers away.

To all of my friends that didn't text me, happy new years to you too you assholes.

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