Friday, October 14, 2011

Dildo Bleed OUT



Could you please tell the jury about your injury?


Well, yeah, first I thought my monthly set in, ya know, there was blood.


Was it your time?


No, but I am not always regular, so I didn't think much about it in the beginning. Besides the blood turns Blue on and I gotta tell you he really got red bulled when he saw my blood on the tip...


Of his penis?


No-no the dildo.


Dildo?


Oh yeah, should have explained. You see Blue is, er was, my boyfriend. He tunes me, turns me inside out, if you know what I mean. Look here at my hand. See the "3" tattoo. it...


Objection - is this relevent?


Miss Bon Iver, please answer the question at hand, er, make your answers precise.


Yes Your Honor... Ok, Ok... Blue and me was having a go at it. We were being playful, toys and stuff. He was working me good, real good. He had already met his maker, but I was still hungry for more. That's where the dildo came in, aaah, I mean that's why he was using it. You know Blue is good, but he ain't no kid, he


Objection, your Honor, please


Miss Bon Iver, let me be clear. You must not digress and wonder off in your answers. I know you want to be helpful, but we are trying to find out what happened in this case in a fair and balanced manner.


Yes Your Honor... hmmm, what question am I workin' on?


Let me restate... Miss Bon Iver how did you come to be rushed to the emergency department on the morning of the 8th?


Well, the 8th, that was the day after the night that Blue and me were doing it. Just being clear here. 


Miss Bon Iver!!!


Yeah, yeah... I was feeling punk and my monthly was going on pretty heavy. Now, I am a bleeder. In the middle of my period I have to use heavy duty pads, you know the thick ones, the kind that could sop up motor oil.


OBJECTION!!!


Mr. Goodknuts, please advise your client she is going to be held in contempt if she fails to heed my instructions.


Yes, Your Honor. May, please be as specific as you can in answering my questions. Think before you talk.


My name is June.


Whaat?


My middle name is June... May June Bon Iver. My friends call me June.


Oh my god, this is a circus.


June, May, Miss Bon Iver, pleeeeeze answer the questions without diverting and vectoring.


Vectoring?


Oh, just answer the questions. Again please tell the court how you got to the emergency room.


Chevy Impala.


Well, let me put it another way, what made you go to the hospital.


Weak.


Could you explain?


Yeah, that morning I could barely stand up. Being dizzy and all, my boy had to head armpit me to keep me steady.


Head armpit?


Yeah, he puts his head in my armpit to keep me from falling. Like stakin' a tomato plant.


How tall is Blue that he got his head in your armpit?


Six-three, but it wasn't Blue who pitted me...


You had another boy then?


Yeah, Alvin.


Alvin?


My son from my third husband, Eddie Jay Watkins.


Your Honor...


Miss Bon Iver...


Yes your Honor. I'm tryin, but there seems to be so much to tell.


So Alvin "arm pitted" you...


Yeah, else I would have kissed the floor. He said I looked like a corpse. Well, me and Alvin, Alvin was like a human crutch, made it out to the porch. Mr. Simpkins was out there shinin' up his Chevy Impala. That black paint is tough to keep boss.


Objection.


Sustained. Keep to the limits of the question.


Jim like to turn a twist when he spotted me. He put me and Alvin in the back seat and he zoomed off like he was driving an ambulance. I was sweating and chilly at the same time. Bled all over that Impala too. Pad was marshy, but I couldn't mess with it. Alvin was sitting next to me. He's ten and I suspected the sight of a blood gushing gash might have turned him, you know, queer.


Objection.


Sustained. Miss Bon Iver you are trying my patience.


Sorry Your Honor.


Back to the emergency visit, please May, June.


Yes, they straight put me on a gurney. Can't remember all the details, but I remember the IV and the nice girl doctor who checked my honeypot. She said I wuz tore up pretty good and that if the bleeding didn't stanch on its own, I was going in. Or she was going in? I dunno who wuz goin in.


Did you receive transfusions?


Yup.


How many?


Two or three.


How long were you kept at the hospital.


A day and a half.


Did you have surgery?


No, I stanched.


And how are you now?


No good.


Could you explain?


Well, ain't been diddled since. Blue cut it off...


Whaat?


Be careful Counselor...


I am almost afraid to ask, cut it off?


Yeah the Tuesday nights.


Er...


You know he used to come over and tune me on Tuesday nights, but once I shut my va-jay-jay down, he cut it off.


So, as a result of the trauma of the bleeding and the hospital and the stress, you lost your boyfriend?


Yup.


And how did that make you feel?


Well, 'pressed.


Depressed?


Yeah, 'pressed and sad, too. Ya know it wasn't just the banging. Blue and me was soul hearts. 


Soul mates?


That too.


Now, let's get back to the dildo.


OK.


Where did you get it?


Blue mail ordered it from some company in Chatsworth.


When?


'Bout a month ago...


What's the name of that dildo company?


Pisserama Products.


Do you mean to say Pipedream Products?


Objection.


Aw c'mom Sid, we all know your client is Pipedream. Ms. Bon Iver is not an ice pick in an olio of tools.


Gentlemen, please address the Court, not each other. Please let the record reflect the company is Pipedream Products not Pissarama Products.


Miss Bon Iver, had you and Blue used the dildo for the first time that night, the night in question?


No sir.


Please explain...


Well, we had foreplayed it out a coupla times before. The vibrator part set me up like a ten pin..


Ms. Bon Iver, TMI.


And, well, er, I used it once or twice, you know, when Alvin was out playin' or sound asleep. It can be a long wait between when Blue would show up.


Would it be fair to say that when you used the Exteme Toyz Vibrating C-word, it penetrated?

Exteme Toyz Vibrating C-word?


That's the name of your dildo.


It's called a C-word?


I can't say the word in Court, it begins with a C and rhymes with rock...


No kidding, I thought it was called a Dildo. Blue told me it was named after the man who invented it. Ah, oh, yeah, how else would you use a dildo? Ya stick it in there...


Did you ever bleed using it before the night of the 7th?


Yeah, a little. That thing is big... 


Your Honor, let the record reflect that the Exteme Toyz Vibrating C-word in question is nine inches in length and it has a 3 inch diameter at its center with a tip taper to two inches.


Any objection, Mr. Merkin?


No.


So noted.


And so they prattled on...

Yes indeed this is a comical and hard to believe scenario. But Pipedream Products http://www.pipedreamcompanystore.com/main_c-5.phtml is a real company now facing litigation in a case of a dildo related bleed out. http://blogs.laweekly.com/informer/2011/10/sex_toy_accident.php The actual case is not presented herein, but some of the elements are the same. Pipedream's motto is (more or less)...


We don't make the orgasm...we make the orgasm BETTER!




E cosi va

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